August 14th 2008, First Day of Chemo
Moments before chemo Carrie and Peter surprised me. Shoyei and I walked into the restaurant and there they were. Shoyei pulled the surprise off completely. So sweet!
I'm sitting in my lounge chair listening to "Smooth Jazz", a very relaxing atmosphere considering all things. I'm hooked up to an IV receiving something to prevent nausea from the cocktail to come whose ingredients I'm looking at. There is a bag of clear stuff and a giant syringe of something resembling cranberry juice. H'ors d'uerve choices abound to accompany libations(cheese and crackers, peanuts.)It's a real nice place.
Shoyei was a bit nervous as we approached but my "let's get on with it attitude" did not acknowledge this slight falter. My wonderful husband. One of the evident gifts of this trial. A loyal companion for the journey. I lean on his arm as he scans the horizon prepared to defend any foe. "I look to the hills where does my help come from".Streams in the Desert today left me bubbling over with joy again. God is my ever present help. John 19:11 "you would have no power over me if not given you from above".
The clear liquid is coursing through my veins now seeking out the cancer cells. I don't feel any different. Yet. Tina Turner is belting out a song ,"What's love got to do with it?" My toes are tapping out the rhythm as I answer her silently - "everything!"
A minor glitch. My vision is blurry, I'm dizzy and my tongue is numb. I think. The IV is stopped to watch me. 20 minutes go by. We try again without incident. Numb tongue? Man my imagination is out of control. 20 minutes go by. All OK. Time for the red stuff. I must now suck on a popsicle to shrink blood vessels and ward off mouth sores.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
August 13, 2008 A Bright Journey
I have begun a journey like no other road I have travelled. It's true that the word "cancer" changes your life forever. If you are receiving this, it is because first of all, I want to share the things God is teaching me, and secondly because I covet your prayers for strength.
I've spent the past six weeks meeting with doctors, studying my disease and weighing my options. One evening, early on, I was looking at a website offering a myriad of advice for cancer victims titled Crazy Sexy Cancer. It was full of self-help and "spiritual insights". It left me less than inspired. Then I googled “Christians with Cancer” and it led me to an article entitled "Don't waste your cancer", a piece written by John Piper. As I skimmed over the main points - cancer as a gift – the Spirit in me bubbled up with joy recognizing the hope and truth I was reading. I was transformed almost instantly out of the fear I’d felt. I know God is using this for His glory and I am sort of along for the ride.
I will share my adventure with you in the hopes of sharing some of His wisdom and my frailty. My treatment starts tomorrow and I’m actually excited! That has to be God!
I have begun a journey like no other road I have travelled. It's true that the word "cancer" changes your life forever. If you are receiving this, it is because first of all, I want to share the things God is teaching me, and secondly because I covet your prayers for strength.
I've spent the past six weeks meeting with doctors, studying my disease and weighing my options. One evening, early on, I was looking at a website offering a myriad of advice for cancer victims titled Crazy Sexy Cancer. It was full of self-help and "spiritual insights". It left me less than inspired. Then I googled “Christians with Cancer” and it led me to an article entitled "Don't waste your cancer", a piece written by John Piper. As I skimmed over the main points - cancer as a gift – the Spirit in me bubbled up with joy recognizing the hope and truth I was reading. I was transformed almost instantly out of the fear I’d felt. I know God is using this for His glory and I am sort of along for the ride.
I will share my adventure with you in the hopes of sharing some of His wisdom and my frailty. My treatment starts tomorrow and I’m actually excited! That has to be God!
July 1, 2008 Day 1 Cancer
I march resignedly into the examination room ahead of my husband and anxious for an end to the suspense. I expect the worst. Waiting for the biopsy results has been it's own journey.
"How was the drive down?" Dr. Corn asked, blond curls bouncing irreverently, her blue eyes targeting mine. A contradiction of impertinence and compassion which I interpret to mean the news is not good.
I shake my head and waive my hand deflecting her nicety. My fate hangs between us like an unclaimed short straw. "Just tell me the news," I answer a bit rudely.
"Oh," she says, "you have breast cancer, honey" delivered in a tone suggesting this can't be a surprise. Her small feminine hand, a breast surgeon's hand, rests on my shoulder assuming an intimacy we will soon have. Its always struck me as suspicious being called "honey" by someone younger than me. I'm not sure I trust her.
Breast cancer. The words bounce around my mind like a steel ball in a pinball machine, bumping against the many scenarios I'd conjured up in anticipation of this moment. Cancer. Ping. Chemo. Ping ping.
I look at my husband. Stricken. Apparently my captain has come unprepared. Had he missed the clouds forming on the horizon? My heart cries out to him: "Too far south! We've sailed too far south. We have no choice now! We'll have to sail through this one and hope for safe harbor beyond."
His hand nervously rubs my neck vigorously,annoyingly, wanting to DO something, I can't focus. The blood rushing in my ears is making it hard to hear.
She's answering questions with a practiced voice of gentle concern, experienced in the art of delivering bad news. Do they teach that I wonder? Bedside manners 101? She deserves a gold star. The Emily Post award for physician manners.
Cancer! She's talking. There it is again. I'm not paying attention and there are so many questions.
"Can you write it all down for me?" I say. "I'm not getting all this."
"Sue will write it down for you" she gestures to the girl at the desk of this two woman office.
My doctor appears too young, unable to deal with the reality of her chosen vocation. The words from the Sound of Music come to me - how do you solve a problem like Maria(Christa) how do you catch a wave and pin it down? She's excited with the anticipation of her impending trip to Europe. She assures me the resulting delay of surgery will make no difference. At once I am thankful for the delay and curious - if cancer is roaming my body searching for a place to land, does a three week delay give it the advantage? Subvert squatting rights so to speak? But hey, my doctor deserves her vacation.
My husband chats with Sue who is busy scheduling appointments for a plastic surgeon, radiologist and chemo doctor. I'm on my cell phone delivering the 'news' to my daughter, my son, my mother,sister and my co-workers with careful words of hope for the ones not ready to give me up. I call my brother last. He's been through this five times! Some unusual free floating malignant tumors in his abdominal cavity. I remember thinking God was trying to get his attention. And He did. Finally. It was somewhere between his 4th and 5th surgery. His response reveals his experience in tired resignation. He is SO sorry I have to go through this. A shiver of fear ripples my soul.
I march resignedly into the examination room ahead of my husband and anxious for an end to the suspense. I expect the worst. Waiting for the biopsy results has been it's own journey.
"How was the drive down?" Dr. Corn asked, blond curls bouncing irreverently, her blue eyes targeting mine. A contradiction of impertinence and compassion which I interpret to mean the news is not good.
I shake my head and waive my hand deflecting her nicety. My fate hangs between us like an unclaimed short straw. "Just tell me the news," I answer a bit rudely.
"Oh," she says, "you have breast cancer, honey" delivered in a tone suggesting this can't be a surprise. Her small feminine hand, a breast surgeon's hand, rests on my shoulder assuming an intimacy we will soon have. Its always struck me as suspicious being called "honey" by someone younger than me. I'm not sure I trust her.
Breast cancer. The words bounce around my mind like a steel ball in a pinball machine, bumping against the many scenarios I'd conjured up in anticipation of this moment. Cancer. Ping. Chemo. Ping ping.
I look at my husband. Stricken. Apparently my captain has come unprepared. Had he missed the clouds forming on the horizon? My heart cries out to him: "Too far south! We've sailed too far south. We have no choice now! We'll have to sail through this one and hope for safe harbor beyond."
His hand nervously rubs my neck vigorously,annoyingly, wanting to DO something, I can't focus. The blood rushing in my ears is making it hard to hear.
She's answering questions with a practiced voice of gentle concern, experienced in the art of delivering bad news. Do they teach that I wonder? Bedside manners 101? She deserves a gold star. The Emily Post award for physician manners.
Cancer! She's talking. There it is again. I'm not paying attention and there are so many questions.
"Can you write it all down for me?" I say. "I'm not getting all this."
"Sue will write it down for you" she gestures to the girl at the desk of this two woman office.
My doctor appears too young, unable to deal with the reality of her chosen vocation. The words from the Sound of Music come to me - how do you solve a problem like Maria(Christa) how do you catch a wave and pin it down? She's excited with the anticipation of her impending trip to Europe. She assures me the resulting delay of surgery will make no difference. At once I am thankful for the delay and curious - if cancer is roaming my body searching for a place to land, does a three week delay give it the advantage? Subvert squatting rights so to speak? But hey, my doctor deserves her vacation.
My husband chats with Sue who is busy scheduling appointments for a plastic surgeon, radiologist and chemo doctor. I'm on my cell phone delivering the 'news' to my daughter, my son, my mother,sister and my co-workers with careful words of hope for the ones not ready to give me up. I call my brother last. He's been through this five times! Some unusual free floating malignant tumors in his abdominal cavity. I remember thinking God was trying to get his attention. And He did. Finally. It was somewhere between his 4th and 5th surgery. His response reveals his experience in tired resignation. He is SO sorry I have to go through this. A shiver of fear ripples my soul.
August 5, 2008
Fear of Flying
I love to watch birds soaring and diving, especially when there are two who appear to be carried away with the mere pleasure of racing up towards the heavens and tumbling back down over one another and then spreading their wings wide and gliding.
I had the thrill of gliding once. We were towed behind a noisy little single engine plane to just the right soaring height. I sat in the front with a sky wide view through the canopy. The pilot sat behind me. I was unprepared for the sudden loud bang of the tow line being released from the plane and snapping back to the fuselage of our glider. But I was even less prepared for the amazing sense of stillness, an almost palpable peace in the weightlessness. The pilot gently dipped a wing setting us into a lazy spin giving a real bird's eye view of the rolling golden California hills beneath us. He took us through a few more maneuvers expertly riding the air currents feeling the wind lifting our wings. It was amazing! Then he told me the controls were all mine. It turns out I was better at diving than soaring and my 30 minute ride was cut to 15 as I gladly gave up control and relied on the proficiency of my pilot to glide us in safely.
It's amusing to some that my stint as a flight attendant a few years left me afraid to fly. It was a 30,000 foot high ride over a tornado that scared the wits out of me.
I often reference my favorite devotional 'Streams in the Desert'. This day's encouragement is especially poignant for me so I pray it will bless you as well:
"They will soar on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31 "There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, 'Take up these burdens and carry them'.The birds had sweet voices for singing and lovely voices that glistened in the sunshine but they could not soar in the air. When asked tot take up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them. For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies.They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar to God.There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth." J. R. Miller "No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing" Frederick William Faber
When I was a child I was consumed with the desire to fly. My knees now attest to the many times I jumped from low roofs and high swings in my desire to capture that sense of flying.This month I find myself faced with a set of wings before me . I tried to run as I said "Lord, this set of wings is too big for me, and I heard Him answer "Of course they are but you are not going to be flying alone. I will there with you every beat."Contrary to the popular bumper sticker, God is not my co-pilot. But I aspire to be His. He's sure to overcome my fear of flying!
Fear of Flying
I love to watch birds soaring and diving, especially when there are two who appear to be carried away with the mere pleasure of racing up towards the heavens and tumbling back down over one another and then spreading their wings wide and gliding.
I had the thrill of gliding once. We were towed behind a noisy little single engine plane to just the right soaring height. I sat in the front with a sky wide view through the canopy. The pilot sat behind me. I was unprepared for the sudden loud bang of the tow line being released from the plane and snapping back to the fuselage of our glider. But I was even less prepared for the amazing sense of stillness, an almost palpable peace in the weightlessness. The pilot gently dipped a wing setting us into a lazy spin giving a real bird's eye view of the rolling golden California hills beneath us. He took us through a few more maneuvers expertly riding the air currents feeling the wind lifting our wings. It was amazing! Then he told me the controls were all mine. It turns out I was better at diving than soaring and my 30 minute ride was cut to 15 as I gladly gave up control and relied on the proficiency of my pilot to glide us in safely.
It's amusing to some that my stint as a flight attendant a few years left me afraid to fly. It was a 30,000 foot high ride over a tornado that scared the wits out of me.
I often reference my favorite devotional 'Streams in the Desert'. This day's encouragement is especially poignant for me so I pray it will bless you as well:
"They will soar on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31 "There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, 'Take up these burdens and carry them'.The birds had sweet voices for singing and lovely voices that glistened in the sunshine but they could not soar in the air. When asked tot take up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them. For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies.They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar to God.There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth." J. R. Miller "No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing" Frederick William Faber
When I was a child I was consumed with the desire to fly. My knees now attest to the many times I jumped from low roofs and high swings in my desire to capture that sense of flying.This month I find myself faced with a set of wings before me . I tried to run as I said "Lord, this set of wings is too big for me, and I heard Him answer "Of course they are but you are not going to be flying alone. I will there with you every beat."Contrary to the popular bumper sticker, God is not my co-pilot. But I aspire to be His. He's sure to overcome my fear of flying!
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