January 31st, 2009

This week's chemo seemed routine. It's hard to believe I only have one to go. At my previous session I asked my nurse if I would lose my hair which is a full inch long now and she said no. I was delighted. But she was wrong.

I tried to ignore the familiar sensation of soreness on my scalp but yesterday I couldn't deny the hair filling my hand as I run my fingers over my head. But alas, it is short enough that my lint roller picks it right off of my head!

My main side affect from the last chemo was bone pain. Whether from the Taxol or Neulasta, after my Thursday chemo, it hit me Sunday at noon and I moaned and groaned with leg pains from my hips to my heels and a sharp pain in my right chest wall. I was told to take Claritin for the pain and I guess it made the pain tolerable. It lasted about 3 days. I think - hey, you're taking poison, what did you expect? Miraculous, wonderful, cancer-killing poison. When my son was small, suffering from asthma, he boldly faced his medicine stating, "a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do". He was seven. I don't know where he heard that but I think of it now with a smile.

Shoyei and I are now researching radiation, the next step. I read yesterday that it is not always advised if there has been a mastectomy and 3 or fewer lymph nodes involved. That would be me. The main negative to radiating the chest area is potential damage to the heart and lung. I'm grateful at least that my cancer was not in my left side nearer the heart. In fact, it was all the way on the right side of my right breast so that's good I think.Our dilemma is this: radiation is 5 days a week for 7 weeks. The doctor I've seen, Dr. Kuske, is in Scottsdale - a 4 hour round trip drive. I really like him and he's an acclaimed radiologist who's just opened a breast cancer specific radiology practice, the only one in Arizona. He's a renowned author on the subject and it was he who recommended my neoadjuvent(before surgery) chemotherapy to shrink the tumor. I have tremendous confidence in him. Our local radiologist has a terrible reputation so I can't go to him. There's a cancer center an hour away and they have a bus that I can pick up nearby which is free. The facility there is general radiology. We need to know if Dr. Kuske's treatment will be worth the time and expense of the drive so we are fortifying ourselves with questions for our visit with him next week.

I've decided, the worst part of chemo is the emotional weakness I experience during the first week. God seems to plant His people in my path for these times and yesterday it was my daughter who lifted me with encouragement. My hyper sensitivity seems to fade by the second week.

And I have a very definite brain fog. I keep panicking that I've forgotten to do something. Last week I stared at a market analysis I had done for a client but I couldn't remember going over it with him. Molly, my office manager, said yes, they were in here last week. When I attended my 15 year high school reunion, I came home wearing my name badge which was made from our yearbook photo and blurb. I had pinned it on without reading it. My husband read it as I stood talking to him and declared "Aha! Kathleen, otherwise known as forgetful!" I looked at it for myself, "I don't remember that!" Years later, I decided to do something about improving my memory so I went to our local library. I found a book in the card file(remember those) entitled "How to Improve Your Memory" but it was checked out so I put my name on the list. Months passed and I got a call from the librarian about "that book you ordered." "I don't remember ordering a book," I said. She started to giggle then laugh and it took a while for her to stop. Finally she collected herself and mirthfully said, "you requested a book 'How to Improve Your Memory' (still giggling) but apparently(laughing again) the guy who had it checked out forgot to return it!" I caught her contagious laugh and we howled together. In grade school my report card was always marked "Needs to Improve" in "Responsibility". I was forever forgetting my homework, my lunch, my coat. Living across the street saved me repeatedly as I would holler to my mother from the schoolyard fence. So....can I blame my current memory problems on chemo brain fog? Guess I'll never know. When I first read about chemo brain fog I was alarmed at a suggestion that a mother have her children wear name tags(no joke) and told my daughter about it. The next week she met me at the hospital wearing a tag "Carrie(Daughter)". She meant for me to laugh but I cried. I couldn't bear the thought of not recognizing the people I love. Thank God, it hasn't happened. Yet.